You never know when tragedy will strike.
You’ve spent untold hours fretting over it and thousands of dollars paying for it.
Shouldn’t you take that “extra step” to protect it when you’re not home?
When properly displayed, the “Dress Alert” decal guides firemen and rescue workers to the location of your daughter’s solo dress during fires and other natural disasters.
The “Dress Alert” decal. Available soon from your favorite feis vendor.
Mr. Pooter Bullard
Principal
Blue River Central High School
1234 Central Street
Carriere, MS 39426
Dear Principal Bullard;
This letter is to inform you that Bridget will be absent from school on Monday, March 17, to take part in local observances of a major religious holiday.
Bridget will be participating in a variety of enrichment and religious activities commemorating the perseverance and courage of Saint Patrick, the beloved patron Saint of our Irish cultural and religious identity. These activities include parades, sharing of ethnic foods and beverages, and a variety of communal gatherings punctuated by celebratory music, dance and song.
Now Pooter, I feel that a student as bright as Bridget should not suffer adverse or prejudicial consequences from an excused absence for a religious observance and be allowed a reasonable opportunity to make up the schoolwork missed due to the absence. The courts seem to agree with me: (Church of God v. Amarillo Independent School Dist., 511 F. Supp. 613 (N. D. Tex. 1981), aff’d, 670 F. 2d 46 (5th Cir. 1982).
Our aim is that this absence does not affect Bridget’s academic performance nor create a prolonged and costly court battle like the one that occurred in Amarillo, so please let me know if she will need to complete any assignments before March 17, by emailing me at zebadiah_beauregard@yahoo.com.
Sincerely,
Zebadiah Beauregard
1040 Forsythia Blvd
Picayune, MS 39466
This story is true as I’m sitting here wondering who put the peanut butter on my keyboard…
So it’s like this then…
A couple three years back we packed up things and flew to Dallas for the Southern Region Oireachtas…
For those of you unfamiliar with Irish Dance, the ”Rocktus” is a major regional competition with special badges and all types of Irish dancers showing up in fancy dresses, wigs and dreams.
But that’s not the point of my story.
The Oireachtas that year was held in a grand hotel which was much bigger than the Oireachtas could fill back then so it was also the site of an equally grand “Paranormal Convention.”
For those of you unfamiliar with Paranormal Conventions, they’re like an Oireachtas with a buffet breakfast and participant badges, but without the dresses and wigs.
As I previously mentioned, this was a fancy convention center and hotel, but not so fancy that the participant badges they printed out for the various events weren’t particular different from one event to another.
So the Paranormal folks could “flash their badge” and meander freely amongst the Irish dance competition, and folks like me and my friend, Seamus, could mosey in on the activities of the paranormal convention in the same manner.
So Seamus and I had had a few and were up for a bit of entertainment.
For those of you unfamiliar with Irish colloquial speech, “had had a few” loosely translates to “were inebriated.”
And what better entertainment than a paranormal convention within staggering distance.
That’s when we saw the sign titled, “Close Encounters…”
W e staggered in…
The hall was packed with all sorts of psychic believer types (it was “chic to be psy”…) and everyone was chattering in anticipation of the appearance of the guest speaker who was some sort of esteemed expert in paranormal activity and had written a book and everything…
The crowd grew silent as the guest speaker hit the stage and I must say, he was somewhat charismatic in his approach.
I remember it as it was yesterday when he wheedled the crowd with an introductory exercise…
“Folks, before I begin my seminar on “Close Encounters” I’d like to do an impromptu survey… If you could, everyone out there in the audience who believes in ghosts, could you all stand up please and hold up a hand… that’s it stand up and be counted.”
Well this being a paranormal convention, just about everyone in the audience of 500 souls stood up, waving their hands and slappin’ each other on the back including my pal Seamus with his own pleasant ghost-like sheen clouding his eyes.
“That’s what I expected,” the presenter continued, “Now, if I can have everyone who has actually seen a ghost please remain standing.”
Immediately half the audience took to their seats.
But not the Seamus half.
He was teetering a bit but maintained his stance still grinning and waving as though he had won some sort of prize.
‘Ah, this is more than I expected,” the speaker beamed.
“So now then, how many out there have actually come in physical contact with a ghost? Please remain standing.”
With that, just about everyone took a seat with the exception of two fanatics…
And Seamus.
There he stood, nostrils flaring with a look of a man about to meet his destiny.
“This is incredible!” the speaker gasped, “Never before have I had more than one person in my seminar who has actually experienced a physical connection.”
He seemed to gather himself and it was apparent he was struggling for the right words when he managed to stammer, “Well then, I have one final question for the three… have any of you gentleman ever experienced intimate relations with a ghost?”
The audience glanced back and forth at the remaining three standing as one by one each took their seats.
One by one but not three…
Seamus stood, erect and defiant!
The audience gasped as the speaker gestured to Seamus, “Please sir, come forward, come here and tell us your story!”
Like a bride at a wedding, Seamus approached the stage, a thousand eyes upon him…
Finally reaching the podium the speaker, in flustered language, handed Seamus the microphone begging him to tell the audience of his encounter .
Seamus squinted from the bright stage lights upon him as the speaker asked him one last time, “Please, tell us all what it was like to have sex with a ghost!”
Seamus seemed to lose focus for the moment and turned to the speaker saying, “What?”
“Ghost!! Please tell us what it like having sex with a ghost!”
“Ghost? “, Seamus stammered, “ No, No, I’m sorry, I thought you were saying goat!”
It was like that then…
In the beginning the world was without Feis and void; darkness was upon the face of the land and the spirit of An Coimisiún le Rinci Gaelacha (the unpronounceable one) did move over the world.
Across the land there was discontent, chaos and the weeping and gnashing of teeth for the people were sore ashamed as they were not of the Feis.
An Coimisiún did hear the cries and lamentations of the people and spake unto them all these words saying:
“Let there be Feis!”
And the word became Feis and Feis was among the people of the land and there was much rejoicing for the people were of the Feis.
And the people of the Feis looked upon the spirit of An Coimisiún and didst ask of him, “How shalt we Feis?”
And the spirit of An Coimisiún once again spake unto them all these words saying:
“Look unto the families of your kind and make thee a stage of gopher wood and this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of. The length of the stage shall be sixteen cubits, the breadth of it thirteen cubits and thou shalt pitch it within and without with all manner of duct tape for the spirit of An Coimisiún dances within you and abides not an untrue surface.”
And the wives of the people did approach An Coimisiún with words drowning in grief and anguish saying, “Our husbands are uncouth and without social skills and are loathe to build this stage as you have commanded for their tools are insubstantial and lack strength and they are sore ashamed.”
And the spirit of An Coimisiún did cajole them with these words saying, “Thou shalt exhort your husbands to go forth to the Home of Depot to procure powerful cordless tools with reversible chucks.” And the husbands did go forth as they were bid and returned, grasping their mighty tools before them and were not ashamed and the wives rejoiced for, even though they were still uncouth, their husbands now had variable speed.
And this was the end of the First Day.
You ever wonder why it takes so long for some Feiseanna to post a stage schedule?
It’s because of all the last minute changes that have to be accomplished before putting the schedule “to bed” to include; splitting competitions that are too large, merging competitions that are too small, juggling dancers and adjudicators between stages to avoid conflicts, and last but not least, correcting entries after they have been submitted by the dancer (or dancer’s parents).
Some of the reasons parents cite for changing their child’s Feis entry can be rather entertaining…
Following are a sampling of actual “Feis Registration Boo-boos” and emails sent in to me by some over-worked and underpaid Feis registrars.
Dear Feis Registrar:
– Please change all of my daughter’s Feis registrations from advanced beginner to Novice as she finished first in all her competitions last week and I’m just dying to slather her with that dreadful makeup required at the Novice level.
– In response to your concerns over my son’s entry in the slip jig competition, I am aware it is dance typically not performed by boys, but please don’t change the entry because I told him that, if he didn’t clean up his room by Saturday, he’d be dancing slip jig with the girls at the Feis!
– My daughter told me to enter her in the “jig” competition. When I went to your web site I found light jig, slip jig, single jig and treble jig and have no idea which jig she wanted. Can you tell me which dance to enter her in? She doesn’t wear those hard shoes and her mom has to lace her ghillies for her if that’s any help.
– Hello, there seems to be a mistake on my son’s entry. You have him listed as a girl! Can you please change my son back into a boy? If a medical operation is required, I have insurance and I’m sure it would cost less than the price of a solo dress.
– I signed up my daughter for the Hornpipe thinking it was a lunch selection sandwich, you know like a Monte Cristo or something. My daughter informed me that I’m an idiot as the Hornpipe is a dance and she doesn’t know the second step and is not yet ready to compete in it! So it is with some embarrassment that I ask you to “delete” the Hornpipe off our registration if it is indeed a dance. But if it is a sandwich, can I get it without mayonnaise?
– Do to a previous commitment; my daughter will be arriving at your Feis with barely anytime to change. Would a First Communion dress be considered “authentic Gaelic attire?”
– I know it’s a little late, but could you add just one more teeny tiny item on my daughter’s Feis entry? We noted your Feis is on Father’s Day, and my daughter thought it might be fun to compete with her dad in the “Parent / Child” competition. Given that her dad doesn’t know his hay-foot from his straw-foot and has all the grace of a water buffalo, I’d recommend that you have your “official Feis Photographer on hand as a video of that competition could go “Viral” on YouTube in a matter of hours. Oh, and please do not send a confirmation to his email address… we want to surprise him!
– My daughter wants to compete in the set dance competition at your Feis, she just learned it and says it’s called “The Bloomers Abandoned.”
– The kids entered our dog, “Baudelaire” in your Feis as a joke. A thirty-two dollar joke. Please cancel his entry and refund my money. If you cannot refund the money, go ahead and leave him entered. Oh and by the way, he would be U14 in dog years.
Dear ZandB,
I need your help! When I opened my daughter’s registration packet for an upcoming Feis, I was very disturbed by the competition number assigned to her: 666. I didn’t think “that” number was used in Feiseanna. My daughter refuses to compete with it and spent the last two hours running around the house screaming “I don’t want to be the spawn of the devil”. We had to hose her down just so she could collect her wits long enough to eat dinner. Should I call the Feis Committee and ask for another number? Should my daughter even attend the Feis with an omen like that hanging over her head? What should we do?
Distraught Feis Mom.
Dear Distraught Feis Mom,
Ok, I just did a re-read of Revelation in the New Testament and I wouldn’t worry much as the number isn’t exactly tattooed on her hand or forehead and besides, I did some checking around and discovered that the beast actually had more than one number.
For Example:
666 – The number of the beast.
668 – The next door neighbor of the beast
715.99 – The number of the beast with tax, title and tags.
625 – The OBO of the beast
DCLXVI – The Roman numeral of the beast.
6.23 – The price of Fresh Ground Beast per pound this week at Piggly Wiggly
159 – The Overall score of the beast after converting to Irish Points.
M666A1 – The military designator for Beast, Biblical, Apocalyptic
1,072 – The number in kilobeasts
So you see, virtually every number is the number of the beast.
Why I’ll hazard that I even missed a few myself…
February 2, 2010: In an attempt to eliminate any conflict of interest resulting from an adjudicator unintentionally judging a competitor which the adjudicator may be connected with as a result of the “Association Rule for Workshops”, An Coimisiún Le Rinci Gaelacha (CLRG) hires a software consulting firm to develop a database to register all schools, students, adjudicators, teachers, and providers participating in workshops to determine if any “connection by association” exists between an adjudicator and a competitor at a given Feis or Oireachtas.
February 18, 2010: In response to complaints of parents regarding dancers wearing inappropriate attire between competitions, the North American Feis Commission (NAFC) amends Dance Competition Rule 6 of the NAFC Feis Handbook to read, “Modest attire is required when a competitor is not dancing. Female competitors found wearing sports bras or bloomers as outer garments between competitions and subsequently refuses to dress in more appropriate attire will be subject to disqualification.”
March 2, 2010: CLRG announces that configuration and data entry of the “Workshop Association Database” is complete and the software will be tested at an upcoming Feis.
March 10, 2010: After an unfortunate incident at a Feis the previous weekend, the NAFC amends Dance Competition Rule 6 of the NAFC Feis to read, “Male and female competitors found wearing sports bras or bloomers as outer garments between competitions and subsequently refuses to dress in more appropriate attire will be subject to disqualification.”
March 25, 2010: The Seventh Annual West Virginia Feis is threatened to be cancelled after it is determined that every competitor, school, adjudicator, musician, and vendor at the Feis is “Connected by Association” and as such, prohibited from competing by the “Workshop Association Database”. A joint emergency meeting of members of the NAFC, the Irish Dance Teachers Association of North America (IDTANA), and CLRG is held to work out a meaningful compromise for the situation.
March 26, 2010: A laptop containing the only known copy of CLRG’s “Workshop Association Database” is found at the bottom of the swimming pool of the Hyatt Hotel at the Pittsburgh International Airport.
Zebadiah and Beauregard's Front Porch 