Some even fit in a mini-van.

This one is probably airline carry-on size.

Measuring in at just two feet by two feet, my daughter’s portable dance stage is probably one of the smallest surfaces on which she has performed and  more in line with the size of the “half door off the hinges” often cited in the terpsichorean lore of Ireland.

And portable…

Why it comes with its own clip-on carry strap.

And talk about quick set up and tear-down…

She also uses it as a percussion instrument in “Drum Circles” at “Hippie Fests” as she describes them, using hands, fists, knuckles and elbows to extract a rather impressive cacophony of different sounds from it.

I often wonder whether she should enter the dance or music competitions with it.

All of which suggests a neat Irish dance roots fundraiser competition for the next Feis:

“The two-by-two.”

A sense of belonging and balance has once again returned to the Irish Dance community as everyone eagerly looks forward to “the next Feis”.

There is however one group of people who are suffering in silence and despair. For them, there is little joy and excitement at the Feis. For them there is agony and dread. They are haunted by a different type of specter. Their children have qualified for the not-too-distant…

North American Irish Dance Championships (NAIDC)

Every day is a series of anguished questions: “Is she practicing enough?”  “Will she need a new wig?” “Will she need a new solo dress?” “Should we find a new Feis dad?”

Outwardly she is dismissive, “Oh Brittany doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell”, she’ll tell her friends. But late at night, when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep, she can hear it, a low whisper coming from the corner of the room….”What if?”.

All over North America, Feis moms toss and turn through the night.

To answer questions that many Feis moms may have about this newest Feis-related affliction, we have the distinguished Doctor Pooter Bullard of the world renowned Picayune Clinic of Dance Related Personality Disorders (PCDRPD) with us on our show today.

ZandB:  Dr. Bullard I want to thank and welcome you too this week’s edition of “Help for Distraught Feis Moms”.

Dr. Bullard: As always, it’s my pleasure, and please, call me “Pooter”.

ZandB: Thank you “Pooter”. I’ve already taken several calls and gone through a ton of email from Feis moms all over North America and New Jersey and one question seems to come through from all of them, “Am I losing my freakin’ mind?”  Is there even a name for this malady? Is there a cure? What can these Feis moms do?

Pooter:  Rather than answer a series of questions on the subject, I’d like to dispense with our regular format and try a different approach.

ZandB: And what would that be Doctor Bu…er, I mean, “Pooter”.

Pooter: (Putting on shades and picking up a slide guitar) Please, call me “Picayune Possum Pooter”. I’m going to answer them in a song.

ZandB:  Well this is rather different but…

Picayune Possum Pooter:  This one is going out to a special Feis mom from Arkansas

(Throwing down a mournful blues beat on the slide guitar and singing)

Well you wake up Sunday morning getting ready for a Feis.
And you drink a cup of coffee while you pack that solo dress
And you know you should be happy
Yeah you know you should be glad
But nothing’s right this morning
And the feeling’s got you sad

Cause there ain’t nothing babe
Ain’t nothing you can do…
You gone and caught a bad case
Of the N-A-I-D-C Blues!

(Spoken) Seems the whole world’s on your shoulder honey

Your daughter’s up late practicing, she’s trying to do her best
The Gavin’s due to come next week, it’s arriving U-P-S.
But you feel there’s something missing
Something else you gotta do
And you just can’t shake the feeling
That your daughter lost her shoes

And there ain’t nothing babe
No no nothing you can do…
You gone and caught a bad case
Of the N-A-I-D-C Blues!

(screeching slide guitar solo)

Cause there ain’t nothing babe
Ain’t nothing you can do…
You gone and caught a bad case
Of the N-A-I-D-C Blues!

(Spoken) Good luck in Anaheim to everyone!!!

ZandB:  Well that just wraps up things for today. Stayed tuned for next week for next week’s edition of “Help for Distraught Feis Moms”. Goodnight all!

The lights are on, but you’re not home
You’re on the road to parts unknown
Your heels are in, your toes are out
Is this what life is all about?
You can’t sleep, you gotta dance
There might not be a second chance
Your arms are straight with Velcro sleeves
The treble jig is all you need!

Whoa, you often wonder how you got into this mess, oh yeah!
Got to get to prelims and that new Solo Dress
You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to Feis

Dance floor looks in sorry shape
But that’s quite alright, you brought duct tape
The music starts, you hardly breathe
Your heart beats at Oireachtas speed!
The judge just smiled at your slip jig
Or was she frowning at that triple wig?
You wear your Ghillies laced nice and tight
Too bad they’re playing a slow horn pipe!

Whoa, you often wonder how you got in this mess, oh yeah
Got to get to prelims and that new Solo Dress
You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis!

The lights are on, but you’re not home
You’re on the road to parts unknown
Your heels are in, your toes are out
Is this what life is all about?

Whoa, you often wonder how you got in this mess, oh yeah!
Got to get to prelims and that new Solo Dress
You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis!

Knowing I lacked any talent in that arena, and being at a loss at what to give me for Christmas, they carried out the ancient family tradition of the “two-fur” and solved both problems buying me a bodhrán.

It’s still sitting up in the closet with my collection of ugly ties and “misfit” sweaters.

For the uninitiated, a bodhrán is an Irish drum made from the skin of a goat (plural “goats”, collective noun “herd”). For those of you who have never heard them, I have an incredible repertoire of goat jokes, but alas, because of an extremely convoluted court order, this is not a goat article.

It’s a bodhrán article.

Now there are still those some folks who believe that a previous article with instructions on building your own homemade bodhrán was somewhat insensitive:

“Step One: First you get a goat drunk…”

But let me assure you, I am extremely sympathetic to the plight of the professional bodhrán player or bodhránist  (plural “bodhránaí”, collective noun “infestation”). Indeed, I have several close friends who are accomplished bodhránists.

Why just the other night I was at the local pub with my friend, Brian the bodhrán player. We were imbibing a few when Brian suddenly jumped up remembering he had left his bodhrán in the front seat of his unlocked auto outside. We rushed out to the street and opened his car door, but alas, we were too late! There were two more bodhráns in the back seat!

Now I think bodhrán players sometime get bad publicity because there are a lot of well meaning folks that lack musical talent (and/or the drive and motivation to develop it) who still want to participate in the Irish music experience. Regrettably they do  so by unwrapping the $30 bodhrán  from the FedEx box the day it arrives from Amazon.com, smacking the drum head a few times, and rushing down to the nearest session to join in.
When we were young, we would simply buy a kazoo, which remarkably is a cousin to the bodhrán being that they are both categorized as a membranphone by the Mahillon and Hornbostel-Sachs musical instrument classification system, the major difference being our out-of-pocket cost of 50 cents to musically annoy folks.

But fear naught! I am continually adding to my on-line series of advanced bodhrán techniques.

The next technique was taught to me by the beautiful and talented Cushla Srour, while at a Baltimore Feis a couple three years back.

Bodhrán 301 – Advanced Techniques: The Drum Roll

The drum roll is standard fair for many percussive instruments and, when properly executed on a bodhrán it can be a real pleaser!

Steps:
1. Remove the bodhrán from its FedEx box.
2. Carefully place the bodhrán on its side rim on the floor
3. Gently shove the bodhrán forward towards any empty space (see picture).

If performed properly, the bodhrán will roll forward convincingly for several feet or until it hits an obstacle.

As you can tell, the “Bodhrán Drum Roll” can be a real show stopper! Once the basic drum roll is mastered, you can advance to more difficult playing surfaces such as stair wells and city streets.

Competition 516, U17 Cicada Hornpipe

Scientists predict that within the next month or so, the 17-year cicadas will attack and devour the entire east coast…

Just kidding! Actually scientists are only predicting a million of these red-eyed monsters per acre in the New Jersey area … let’s see, 43,560 square feet per acre…one million divided by…Holy Cow! That’s 23 cicadas per square foot!

You folks have a nice life!

For your sake, I hope your Cicadas weren’t like the “Brood X” swarm that consumed large portions of Maryland back in 2004…those puppies had a very distinct taste for sequins.

That’s right, I said sequins!!

And God forbid a couple of them wind up in your wig!

One thing we learned in Maryland back then…if you can’t beat them….eat them!

To wit: My Venerable Cicada Soda Bread Recipe

Gathering the Cicadas:

Freshly hatched cicadas, called tenerals, are the best to use because, like our own Maryland soft-shell crabs, their shells are not hard yet. The best time to “harvest” them is in the morning shortly after they have emerged from the ground but haven’t yet had the time to climb up out of reach on the tree. Simply gather as many as you need. If tenerals are not available, mature female cicadas are the next best choice (watch which rest room they use if you can’t tell the difference). Tenerals are preferred as they are “ready to cook”. If you are using adult cicadas, you must remember to remove the legs and wings prior to cooking as they will crawl all over your oven and counter tops. (A friend of mine learned a similar lesson last year while deep frying a turkey, but that is totally different story).

If you are not immediately cooking the cicadas, freeze them until you need them. With this in mind, you may want to gather a large supply as it will be seventeen years before you can enjoy their piquant taste again!

Ingredients:

2 cups white flour
2 cups whole wheat flour
½ cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking soda
4 tbsp butter, lightly melted
½ cup dry roasted chopped cicadas
1 and ½ cups buttermilk

Yield: One 8-inch loaf

Put the cicadas on a cooking sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes at 225 F. Cooking times will vary. When removed from the oven, the cicadas should have a soft, dry, texture. If still moist inside, roast a little longer.

Reset the oven temperature and preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Combine the white flour/wheat flour, sugar, salt, and baking soda in a bowl.

Stir in the butter, chopped cicadas and buttermilk. Turn the resulting dough onto a floured surface and knead for one minute, molding it into a disk-shaped loaf.

Slice a small “x” on the top of the loaf and bake on a greased cookie sheet for 40-45 minutes.

Bon Appetite!

(Or as they say in Ireland, I’ll have another pint here)

My daughter is prohibited from wearing those fancy solo dresses  or makeup  in competitions so the only thing that will set her apart from the others are her dancing skills and facial expressions. It will take way too long to improve her technique, so what type of facial expressions are available?

Distraught Feis Mom

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,
There are eight traditional dancer facial expressions :

1. The  ”I’m copying the other dancer” look. This is the preferred facial expression of a beginner dancer who has forgotten  her steps.  Her head and eyes are transfixed on a another dancer’s feet in attempt to improvise choreography.

 2. The “Deer in the Headlights” look. This panicked expression results from the dancer’s apprehension of being run over by another competitor. They have difficulty in tracking other dancers on stage and often end up in their landing patterns. Judges watch them out of morbid curiosity in order to witness the inevitable “moment of impact”

3. The “Is my orthodontist ever going to remove these stupid braces?” look. These dancers are unaware of just how cute they look in braces and develop an unconvincing closed-lip smile to compensate. Judges interpret this as a “false smile” and deduct points under the new rule (see Note 1 below).

4. The “Fly catcher” look. Unaware that their mouths are agape, they take on the look of a basking shark screening the water for plankton. This “look” has a contagious affect on the judge who immediately begins yawning.

5. The ever popular “It’s up there somewhere” look. These dancers were apparently afraid of making eye contact with the judge who usually reciprocates in return.

6. The “Painful grimace” look. This expression is usually interpreted by the judge to mean that the dancer didn’t allow adequate time to make a restroom stop before reporting to the stage. It usually evokes an empathetic expression from the judge, but little sympathy in their scoring.

7. The “Can’t smile and dance at the same time look’. The dancer doesn’t look panicked or pained. They look like they know what they’re doing, they just don’t look like they’re having fun. Adjudicators secretly refer to this as the “missed brownie points” look.

8. The “Feis Eating Grin”look. This infectious expression usually snaps the judge back into consciousness resulting in returned smiles and occasional winks. The dancer interprets these non-verbal cues as signs of approval and “pours it on”, often resulting increased self confidence and scores.

Note 1:
As previously mentioned, An Coimisiún le Rincí Gaelacha (pronounced , An Coimisiún le Rincí Gaelacha) has come out with a new ruling banning false smiles:

- The use of false smiles, counterfeit smirks, or impious grins is prohibited by all dancers whilst in motion. Authentic Gaelic grins are desired. Modest grins are encouraged when the competitor is not dancing. A competitor failing to use genuine grins may be subject to a 5-minute re-smiling period.

- Any competitor found to be using artificial smiling aids and devices and subsequently refuses to remove same, will be subject to disqualification from that particular competition. Medically prescribed smiling apparatus will be exempt from this ruling. The use of rubber chickens is strictly prohibited.

Here are a couple that will be a hit with any ADCRG!