Tonight I was sitting on the front porch with a hurricane lamp next to me. The flame was very delicate and unsure of itself, flickering with the tiniest whisper of a sound and it was just me,

and a candle…

The flame would make cautious leaps from side to side of the wick, seeking a footing, searching for some promised thing…

Learning how to be a candle…

Unexpectedly it glistened and shimmered, rising steady and bright, surprised even of itself…and there, just on the edges of its glow, I could see bits and pieces of things…

And it danced… sparkling with little effortless snaps, content with its role…

And we sat there each in our self…

Intrigued, insects would come admiringly

Seeking audience

Wistful and without regard to their own safety they danced on the glass bell as my thoughts

Danced among the flames

Remembering the color of your eyes…

Irish Dancer Thighs

She leaps like a gazelle
Hands at her sides
Flies like a bat out of hell
She’s got Irish dancer thighs
You turn the music on
Girl doesn’t think twice
She points her toe and is gone
She’ got Irish dancer thighs

She’ll defeat you
She’ll out leap you
And her tiny size deceives you
She’s precocious
And she knows just how to
Please adjudicators
Can’t stop this girl because she’s got
Irish dancer thighs

You face her on the floor
You could be wise
To find the nearest door
She’s got Irish dancer thighs
She’ll knock you off your feet
Run you off of the stage
Till you admit defeat
She’s got Irish dancer thighs

She’ll amaze you
She’ll un-phase you
If you’re not quick she might daze you
She’s ferocious
And she knows just how to
Please adjudicators
Cracks walnuts before your eyes with those
Irish dancer thighs

She’ll defeat you
She’ll out leap you
And her tiny size deceives you
She’s precocious
And she knows just how to
Please adjudicators
Cracks walnuts before your eyes with her
Irish dancer thighs

She’ll defeat you
She’ll out leap you
Just to tease you
She’s got Irish dancer thighs
She’ll amaze you
She’ll un-phase you
And she’ll daze you
She’s got Irish dancer thighs

Distraught Feis Mom

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

When my daughter competed at the preliminary championship level, most of the parents give adjudicators ties as stage presents. This practice was so commonplace that mark sheets from champion level competitions often contained the disclaimer:

“Due to ties, you may not have placed as high as this report suggests!”

Hope this helps!

ZandB

I desperately need your help!

Six months ago my daughter switched dance schools for reasons I do not want to address here. Now, six months later, we have seen the error of our ways and she is switching back to her original TCRG. She already served the original “six month restyling period” and we just found out she will have to go through yet another “six month restyling period”. My daughter is going crazy because, well frankly, she needs a Feis hit…bad. At first I thought she had it under control but this morning when I was cleaning out her room, I found (I’m almost too embarrassed to say this) a cheerleading magazine! Is there any way to help get my daughter back in to Feis mode? I don’t think she’ll survive another six months so I’ll try anything!

Distraught Feis Mom.

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

Your daughter is not the first nor will be the last dancer to face this situation. In a effort to protect dancers from the ravages of “The Double Whammy” as it is now called, a secretive group of compassionate Feis Moms, TCRGs and Tanning Salon owners collectively referred to as members of “The Rince Code”, have banded together to create the “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program”.

Under the “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program” your daughter will be given a complete new “Irish Dance” identity which will allow her to compete, in a discreet manner, at select out-of-town Feiseanna. She will be given a new dance dress, appropriate to her grade, wig, facial make over, freckle implants and registration credentials for eFeis and Feisworx which include the name of fictitious dance school and TCRG.

Transportation to and from the Feis will be provided along with the services of a highly trained and qualified surrogate Feis Mom who will assist your daughter in whatever manner required while still maintaining the “veil of secrecy” required of members participating in the “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program”.

Your daughter will continue to maintain her current daily routine with her friends, school and family, only assuming her “secret identity” on “Feis Day”.

Neither her current or previous TCRGs will be made aware of this situation and your daughter will be free to “Feis as she pleases” during this trying six month period.

Regrettably, because of the secretive nature of this program, no public acknowledgement will be made of any of her competition results and, as such, the dancer will not be able to advance to the next higher grade or participate in major championships as a result of her placements while a member of the program.

The “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program” has enjoyed an incredible one hundred percent success rate in creating a safe haven for over seventy five dancers like your daughter. A member of “The Rince Code” will be contacting you shortly.

ZandB

This is rather embarrassing, but at last weekend’s Feis my daughter seemed to have an agonizing grimace on her face while dancing. When I asked her if anything was wrong, she tearfully confided in me that she was having a problem with an irritating stool. Later that day when I inspected her stool, I discovered it was hard and, from the size and texture, appeared to be very painful. I don’t know where to turn! Is there anything that can be done to help my daughter? I think she might quit dancing if we can find relief from her painful stool!

Distraught Feis Mom.

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

I’ve looked at the picture you sent me and I absolutely agree. That does look like a very painful, excruciating, stool and I myself can almost feel your daughter’s agony. Why sitting for hours at Feis while suffering with a painful hard stool like that can ruin anyone’s day!

But fear not! There is answer!

The makers of “Feis It” Feis accessories have developed the perfect stool contoured to fit even the amplest, bloomer-bedecked bottom!

The “Feis It Stool”

Yes, now your daughter can sit comfortably all day with out the pain and irritation that hard stools can cause! “Feis It” stools are soft and relaxing and, as you can see from the shape and size, won’t mess up a solo dress or kilt while sitting on it!

If you call today, “Feis It” will send you a stool sample for you to examine in the privacy of your own home for thirty days, absolutely free!

“Feis It” has a whole line of Feis accessories to meet every dancer’s needs to include their ever popular “Feis It Bag”, great for hauling all your “Feis It” supplies.

Like their motto says, “Don’t go to a Feis without your Feis It!”

ZandB

Note: Feis It! is registered trademark of Feis, It Inc.

The lights are on, but you’re not home
You’re on the road to parts unknown
Your heels are in, your toes are out
Is this what life is all about?
You can’t sleep, you gotta dance
There might not be a second chance
Your arms are straight with Velcro sleeves
The treble jig is all you need!

Whoa, you often wonder how you got into this mess, oh yeah!
Got to get to prelims and that new Solo Dress
You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to Feis

Dance floor looks in sorry shape
But that’s quite alright, you brought duct tape
The music starts, you hardly breathe
Your heart beats at Oireachtas speed!
The judge just smiled at your slip jig
Or was she frowning at that triple wig?
You wear your Ghillies laced nice and tight
Too bad they’re playing a slow horn pipe!

Whoa, you often wonder how you got in this mess, oh yeah
Got to get to prelims and that new Solo Dress
You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis!

The lights are on, but you’re not home
You’re on the road to parts unknown
Your heels are in, your toes are out
Is this what life is all about?

Whoa, you often wonder how you got in this mess, oh yeah!
Got to get to prelims and that new Solo Dress
You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis
Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis

Might as well face it you’re addicted to Feis!

For various reasons, especially the costs involved, many young Irish dancers are traveling with only one parent and for dancers traveling in this situation, it is highly recommended that the traveling adult/parent have documentation, in the form of a notarized letter from the non-traveling parent, giving permission for the child to travel.

Many airline websites carry this warning: “In an effort to prevent international child abduction, many governments have initiated procedures at entry/exit points. These often include requiring documentary evidence of relationship and permission for the child’s travel from the parent(s) or legal guardian if not present. Having such documentation on hand, even if not required, may facilitate entry/departure.”

But hey, don’t believe me… “Google” the above quote.

This documentation is even more important if the parents have two different surnames, as in our situation.

And before you say, “I’ve travelled before and nobody asked for a letter”, well, more often than not, so have we. But it’s not always “not”…

I spent 45 minutes at the U.S./Canadian border while my car was being searched for guns and my seven year-old daughter was being interviewed by “The nice lady with the lollipops” because I didn’t have that documentation.

My wife was also asked for the same documentation at an airline check-in counter when traveling with our then twelve year-old daughter to London (because of our little “Canadian Incident five years earlier, you can be assured she had a consent letter in hand).

A generic copy of the consent letter my family used can be downloaded by clicking here:

Consent to travel – generic

As I already mentioned, most countries don’t require these forms but it’s in the best interest of all involved to have the information available, especially in a medical emergency. Please do not construe this as legal advice but rather a best practice I’ve learned over the years. Ultimately, it’s up to the traveler to verify entry and exit requirements for all destinations.

Dear ZandB

My daughter’s TCRG told me that, with my daughter turning twelve and moving up to Novice level in competition, she can wear makeup, a wig and her a fancy school dress at the Feis! I just bought a crate of tanning lotion and a gallon of make-up with the optional high pressure sprayer, but now I’m hearing rumors that the adjudicators are looking for the “Irish Look.” So, you being the expert on these sort of things, what is the “Irish look” and where can I buy one for my daughter?

Distraught Feis Mom,

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

Congratulations! Now that your daughter is twelve she can also do “Toes Tans”!

And you may be correct in the fact that  the” Irish Look” is indeed, “where it’s at”. I’ve heard tell they’re even having contests for the “Reddest Hair”, “Greenest Eyes” and “Most Freckles” at Irish Festivals throughoutNorth America.

But all is not lost!  Even though your daughter may lack those attributes,  she can always wear a flaming red wig and green contacts at the Feis! And now, with the invention of “Zebadiah and Beuregards’s Instant Freckle Cream”, she’ll finally attain the much-desired “Freckled Franny” look.

Yes with ZandB’s Instant Freckles Cream, you just “spritz it on” by applying some to a tooth brush like the one on dad’s sink and flicking the bristles with your thumb. Allow it to set for a few minutes and spray off the excess for that Fresh Freckled Face Girl Look! (See before and after pictures).

I can assure you, we ran exhaustive safety tests on the product prior to releasing it on an unsuspecting public. OK, I’m gonna level with you; we shaved our cat, “Starbucks”, and spritzed her with it. She actually looks pretty impressive and there were no side effects, (with the minor exception of when we let her out at night; all the neighborhood cats are waiting patiently on the back porch to whoop her cat butt, but I’m sure it’s just a communication issue.)

As with all new products, your dancer should practice spritzing the cream before applying it on herself. Family pets and young siblings are great in this regard. You can spritz just the arms and face (watch out for those eyes) or go the “full Monty” for that authentic Gaelic Look!

Remember ladies, your daughters need all the help they can get climbing that podium. Don’t let them down!

Available soon from your favorite Feis vendors.

ZandB

The “Electric Light Solo Dress” was always a priority project of Feis Dads, and  often described as “The Holy Grail” among some of the more hard core members. Several of us even we went so far as to test a prototype at a Southern Region Feis a couple three years back.

Regrettably, we still hadn’t managed to overcome the power requirements and several of the TCRGs at the Feis started whining about the extension cord interfering with their dancers. God some people can be just insufferable! Anyway, we switched to a ceiling drop in the slip jig but something went wrong with the take-up reel resulting in a short circuit. Our dancer panicked and wouldn’t stand still long enough… and, oh the humanity!

Thank God for the prohibition on photography “whilst in motion”.

Luckily, we were able to convince the local constabulary that it was a hideous case of “Spontaneous Human Combustion” and the dancer’s mother even confided in us that she didn’t think her daughter would ever get out of prizewinner anyway.

At that year’s annual Feis Dad meeting (some people would refer to it as, “Those two fellars sitting at the end of the bar”), we vowed never again to create an “Electric Light Solo Dress”, just like the court order said.

We were free to concentrate our efforts and meager funding on the newly rejuvenated “Irish Dancer Cam” project.